Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
