You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
