I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
