Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
should my penis look like a turkey
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
