woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
