My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm gonna fight the coyote
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
