i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
