UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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