the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
