now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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