There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
