Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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