I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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