Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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