Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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