you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
