nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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