My first STD was from a foam party
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
