just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
