So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
