Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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