So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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