she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
