I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
