I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
