I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
