I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
