my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
