I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
