also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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