The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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