We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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