we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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