Apparently you make a good broom.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
