Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
