hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
