drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
