So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
