life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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