I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
