Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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