i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
