so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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