I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
