I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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