i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
