you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
