dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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