Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I need a beard to bite.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
