Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
