The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
